Do-It-Yourself Love
When your lover isn't giving
Do-It-Yourself Love
When your lover isn't giving
August 4, 2014
Now, I can't dance. Sorry. No real great steps coming from me with the exception of Show Choir when I was 17, but no real great dance steps. I am no hot mama on the dance floor. But I always wanted someone who got me. Not only got me, but did the little things that makes a girl smile. Candles and rose petals never happened for me unless I did it. Godiva chocolates? Me. The rubbing of feet and back massages? Me. Seemed that I was always the executioner of the sweet romantic things because apparently, no one else was gonna give it to me.
As I watched the couple glide across the floor, a part of me teared up a bit. Here I was, 42 years old, waiting for someone to take the moment and celebrate me in that sweet, goofy way. I wanted someone to draw my bath water or take me on romantic walks and make me feel like I was sexy and worthy. Not pawing me. Not groping me. Not treating me like an object. I used to say "be sweet" whenever it seemed like it was going into another direction, but I don't think he understood what I was saying.
In my long-term relationships, I tried to explain that sometimes a woman needs to feel loved and feel...well, heck, like a woman, but I was told that I should be happy with whatever I cold get.
REALLY? So is it that I'm not deserving?
And many women I have known have felt the same way, in or out of relationships. What's bothered me most is that many men feel as if women are trying to change them or turn them into something that they're not. Guys, I hate to tell you, but We're ladies. We like to feel pretty. We like for you to do things for us, whether it's rubbing our feet or at least taking a spin on the dance floor. I'm not talking about a trip to Aruba or a $50,000 car. Some of the smallest things are the sweetest things. After a while, when it begins to feel like a woman is more of an object that someone who is loved, it sucks. And the worst part about that? It has a domino effect...if he's not open and giving, then she is no longer giving, then he pulls back even further, then she's pulling back...you get my drift.
A relationship is more than sex. It's more than trying to gain material possessions. It's suppose to be about respect and genuine love for each other. When the domino effect starts to unfold in a relationship, there's nothing left but regret, remorse and resentment. And eventually it ends with the ripping and deleting of pictures, the crucifying of stuffed animals and that perfect sacrificial fire of every memory. Perhaps you've had the romance before he saw you as "common" and felt like now that he had you, he didn't need to do that anymore.
As a human being, all of us want to feel loved. But keeping it real, we get tired of making my own romantic nights and we get tired of waiting for someone else to do them. We get tired of creating the ambiance all of the time when we don't get the same in return. And it hurts when it never comes and you practically hear that you're not deserving.
So, as the saying goes, Learning to Love Yourself is the Greatest Love of All. But damn, don't you get tired of that?
AZR
The Former Ms. Shead or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Myself
August 1, 2014
Several months ago, I was a newly married person that was still getting into the groove of things until I was shown that I wasn't enough. Outside of the blatant disrespect, I was told that there were things that I had to live with or else I would have to live my life alone without a man. I was made to feel like I wasn't first...I wasn't anywhere on the priority list. Several nights of coming home late...two nights of not coming home at all. I was getting sick, physically and emotionally, about how I was being treated, but he couldn't see what this was doing to our relationship. One night, I had enough and I told him to leave and never come back.
Seven months later, I have never been happier.
There was a moment there where I thought my ex and I could build again, but the same old same old kept coming out. In the middle of me working on a project at work and being too tired to talk until 1 am to him, I was told that I was messing with someone else. Why is it when a woman has a moment of clarity, a second to breathe and get things back in order she has to be messing with someone else? So if I'm in a good mood, glowing from head to toe and embracing the essence that is me, I have to have some type of lover or screwing some man? And besides that, when did I have time to go find someone else? Wow, I'm trying to get my life back together!! I was not only insulted, I was livid. But then I stopped and thought to myself, That's cool. That just tells me what you might do. I have to choose to either go back to the foolishness and disrespect myself or stay on this path. I have to do better than I've been doing, man...
I asked myself what I was looking for...I asked God to guide me in that direction. Many nights I questioned myself, especially when the Spring thunderstorms and tornadoes were constantly coming through. I'm afraid of storms...have been since I was a kid. I put my fears to the side and made sure my son was good. And those clear nights where there was no storm at all and the only sound I had was the foolishness of late night television...I asked myself if this was what I wanted to have for the rest of my life, not realizing that I was walking around angry and hurt with bitterness showing up in my heart and my head.
So, I prayed. I read my bible. I reached out to friends and loved ones in the middle of my journey. I came out of hiding and made myself go out and enjoy life. I cut my hair the way I liked it. I threw away things that reminded me of the love I lost and reminded myself of the love within. I cried, but I wiped the tears away when I was done. And after all that, I forgave myself...things fall apart, but it did not mean I had to fall apart. Then last, I forgave him. He wasn't anymore ready for me as I was ready for him. I learned to love someone from a distance and keep it moving. When you have given your all and it keeps getting stepped on, you'll either let them keep doing it or you stop them from doing it. I happily say that the two step dance has ceased and I'm in a better place.
In the middle of my storm, I remembered what Zora Neale Hurston said...Black women are the mules of the world. We carry so much on our backs and we don't realize it because we can't see what's back there. We don't pack that baggage back there all the time. We just keep moving forward, slowly and surely trying to get to our destination while this world keeps piling on its troubles on us. And somehow, we make it. Somehow, we climb the hills and try to not drop one thing. I let go of the relationship that could have left me bitter and mean in the long run. I let go of someone who was not being loving and honest, which was what I needed as well as my son. I let go of the baggage that was wearing me down and making me feel like I needed to be at the bottom of that priority list. I know and have always known that I deserve better than that, and I am worthy of it.
I won't say "next time I will..." because I'm not sure there will be a next time. I'm not seeking out for anyone. I want to be sought out. Besides, there's too much to do in the world. And the Bahamas and the ski slopes and the shopping trips are calling me. My son will be going to college soon. I'll be 40 in a couple of months. This is my time to not just shine, but to blind a few cats with my radiance.
This Stella is finally getting her groove back!
AZR
The Bass Ackward: The Anti-Side Chick Blues
August 1, 2014
I haven't spoken to that chick since.
To begin, I will never become a mistress, intentional or otherwise. Loneliness will never put me in a position to become someone else's someone else because I want the number 1 spot in a relationship so bad, so I sit in number 2 as a lady-in-waiting. Years ago when the whole Black Man Shortage talks began, I kept hearing that women were either going to have to share their man or date a guy outside of their race. Worst case scenario, you may have to give up men all together because you may never even get the chance to marry. And to live your life alone?? For shame! My dear, you are looking at either moving forward as a mistress, part of a threesome or die alone.
Let's see, that was my Senior year, Summer of 1989...and here we are in 2014. I've had my share of marriages. I've even had my share of relationships. Never in my years as an adult and when alone had I made up my mind to be the mistress. My favorite quote is "If I cannot be number one, I will NOT be number 2."
Yet, there are more women, fictional, "reality" and non-fiction, that have fallen into the category of the other woman. They choose man sharing because it's just that damned hard to have someone for themselves. Our tell-lie-vision shows portray women who seem to have it all together businesswise but nowhere near it in their relationships. It's someone else's husband that they've fallen in love with. And that man is in love with them. But they're stuck. They have children with their wives. Or maybe they're in a business with them. They're not trying to lose their loot because they'll lose EVERYTHING...so they hold on to these "loveless relationships" because that man's ambitions to be number one is too deep.
And yet, tell-lie-vision tells us that being the side chick is okay because it's glamorous. You're wearing the latest sexy $1200 outfit, drink some of the fanciest wines and drive around in the hottest cars...number 2 seems to be pretty sexy. The mistress is the hotness. Her hair, bought or grown, flips diamonds and gold dust compared to the woman that married him...that wife...the wife is never the glamour kitten. The wife is this mean, angry, bitter woman that is in the mistress's way. Reminds me of a song Nina Simone did back in the day...
The other woman finds time to manicure her nails. The other woman is perfect where her rival fails. And she's never seen with pin curls in her hair. The other woman enchants her clothes with French perfume. The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room. There are never toys that's scattered everywhere. And when her baby comes to call, we'll find her waiting like a lonesome queen. 'Cause when she's by his side, it's such a change from old routine ...but the other woman will always cry herself to sleep. The other woman will never have his love to keep. And as the years go by the other woman will spend her life alone....
Don't get me wrong. I find these shows entertaining, just like any soap opera back in the day. But when the top African American females are side chicks, mistresses, bottom bitches, whatever you want to call them...and our daughters, nieces and so-called grown women who should know better start emulating them thinking that this is how the world works, then we have a problem. We are no longer showing that women are stronger than this. We are not showing that women can be funny, dramatic or unique as we once did when Black was still hot on tell-lie-vision. We do not celebrate African American women anymore. Instead, she has become some bottle-throwing, fighting, man-stealing, cussing, drunk-off-her-skull jezebel that's making her money by becoming the stereotype Sweet Sadie, Jezebel, Sapphire type. Am I offended? Yes, and you should be as well. My heroes are human, yes, but there was a balance. There isn't much a balance when Olivia Pope is saving someone and later running into the arms of a married man who no longer wants his wife but stays because his rep of being the number one man is on the line.
I'll explain...I know he wants to leave. SO LEAVE. GET OUT. DIVORCE YOUR WIFE AND MOVE ON. But it's only television...I'm sorry, tell-lie-vision.
Even my girl Coffy wouldn't take the foolishness of being in second place. You know what happened to that guy when she found out he used her and commanded that she die, right? My girl got rid of everyone, confronted her man with a double barrel shotgun...and before she could fall into his arms, his new chick called for him from the bedroom...watch the movie for yourself...trust me, it's worth it.
Despite how many times I've been married and divorced, one of the great things about my life is that when I was not number one, I left. I didn't struggle and fight with the other woman to get my man back. Get him back for what? If you were there, you don't need to be here. Sorry, but I ill not be fighting with another woman or begging some man to come back where he doesn't want to be. Ciao Bella. It's been nice, but apparently you're more comfortable there. So how about you stay there? Don't come back now, you here?
Perhaps it's a little harsh, but my belief has been that a relationship - a man and a woman - is with THAT man and THAT woman. MONOGAMY. And when that begins to include threesomes, foursomes, moresomes...it's not a relationship. It's ridiculous. And anyone that doesn't want that shouldn't stay or be a part of it. I know for some people, monogamy is a bad word. It sounds boring to them. Me, personally? It's either that or you can go. Anything outside of that is some foolishness that my mind, body and soul don't need.
Once upon a time, being Claire Huxtable was what women strived to become.
These days...Being Mary Jane? Um, no.
I think I'll just settle being myself. I'll settle in the idea of having one guy to myself in a happy relationship without worrying about some other chick or some drama that would ensue. And if he's not a one-woman man...well, I'll miss him. But life will go on. I'm a woman. A damned good one. I want to be the one chased. I want to be the one perused. And I am worthy of that.
AZR